sometimes we need to hear hard things.
it's like a need others to tell me what i'm thinking and feeling, and i've grown so used to this that i can't even think straight, cant put the right words together.
as i was talking to her she lost her patience (i cried, because that's how i react when people are disappointed that i'm not that person they thought i was). she said i have emotions and brains and i pretend that my brain is the one leading the way but really it's all raw emotion, and i have this idea that my emotions don't account for anything so a belittle them, and belittle myself, and make fun of myself that i'm so emotional. she said i need to find that place where the brain and heart meet, and need to be forgiving.
and then she asked what else i had to say, and i felt that i had so much more to say, but really i couldn't really think of anything. i had to just, breathe in what she said. about how i fell in love and got heartbroken, but kept rationalizing it and telling myself that it's stupid. and it is, but it isn't at the same time.
and the thing about the song by Eran Bar Gil is that words, our own words, have a tendency to hit us on the way out. when the words are ours they are admitting our faults and mistakes. and maybe that's why i can't really write recently- if it's not a nice, pretty and meaningful verse then it's not worth writing (though really, the ugly truths are the difficult ones to write.)
and maybe i'm afraid to let these words out, so i wait for others to tell me, because then i can always pretend the words are sinking in, but really they're only melting through my first layer.
i can't remember anything my phsycologist told me last year. something about always needing approval, which didn't change. relying on others to like me, so bending to their wills and never saying no. he said i need to let others come to me. i keep hearing Gigi's voice saying "but if i leave all the guys that aren't into me there'll be none left!"
i know i can be attractive and flirtacious, which just goes to show that that's not going to fix me.
Neil left and Shachar Fixed it, it took a while but then Oren came to clean up that mess and ended up messing it up even more. and finally The Poet.. i can't see things clrealy. obviously this was a lesson, and the fact that i am now sitting and thinking of words and truth are a good enough reason as any to all of this mess in my heart at the moment.
really i'd just really like to be loved.
and maybe the best i can do right now is love myself, because i'm so good at loving, and i really deserve it.
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