Sorry, another rant. I quite frankly can't take it anymore. First day of the year, and I woke up feeling like shit, and it didn't pass yet, so excuse me while I puke all this crap on my little escape 'page' of mine, that unfortunately for you, is here.
I don't know how to get the message across in a more obvious way then saying it, and even that didn't work.
I guess no one sees this as a problem because I've never tried the razor across wrists thing, maybe it's because they think that all in all, I'm a happy person, or some bull like that, well, I'm not that happy.
I guess the feeling will passover at some point or another, and I'll feel no need for this post, but I feel more truthful when writing in depression mode.
I admit, I'm not an all out depressed person, I don't go around proclaiming my lack of happiness, I don't try to make people understand anymore either, there seems to be no point in it.
I know, yet again, that whatever I do, is up to me, and that life is all butterflies and sunshine, with a thunderstorm from time to time. Yet, my thunderstorm never seems to end, maybe subside from time to time, nothing more.
As much as I look at it, life is a constant headache. There's no time for luxury, only the problems of every day come and go and are replaced with new ones, and yet, I can't find any solution to most of them.
Maybe it's my own blindness, but not many people try to help.
Where as, I try my best for other people, it seems all I get is a pat on the back and nothing more.
It's seems hard to believe that what comes around goes around. Maybe my help was worthless? Maybe I haven't done enough?
All in all, like most crap in life, it's my own fault, it's just another result of lack of achievement and personality. All I crave is cigarettes and solitude, yet human touch seems to be a subconscious desire that I cannot conquer, and by wanting solitude and thus contradicting myself, I seem to keep people as possible without losing the occasional conversation, I guess what I'm looking for is someone who will insist on getting closer and closer even when I try to push them away, because that's a person who cares, I guess I haven't found anyone who cares yet.
I know this is all self pity, but I can't help but be ashamed of myself for ever even considering the idea of a decent life, where people will actually care.
People seem to disregard me, I don't know if it's my hight or lack of presence, but I walk unnoticed among crowds and crowds of people, a dozen familiar faces, yet no sign of recognition seems to shine on those human features I've learned to despise so much, yet watch carefully, analyzing, hopning.
I guess it's my fault in the end, I don't really bother with people, they don't seem to matter much recently, or ever actually, and in the end, I don't matter either.
I know that such feelings, or rather, lack of, is what gets me depressed, yet, I cannot help but feel diseased, ill with nothing left but a last pat on the shoulder and a goodbye to guide me through the sickness.
How pathetic can I get? heh....
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