My friends, my family, everyone I know.

They impose on me a certain way of thinking, a certain way of acting, a certain way of being.

And even though I love them with all my soul, I can't keep those thoughts away from me.

I can't stop wondering- how can a person possibly say they know me if they insist my favorite colour is pink?

How can a person possibly say they're listening to me if they're certain I'm liable to get addicted to any new telenovela?

How can a person claim to have the slightest idea of who I am and what my life is, if even after long, hard conversations filled with all sorts of explanations they still remain convinced that I am in love with a certain person and not with another?

Appearances may be decieving, but a friend is supposed to KNOW me, to truly understand me, to realize what it is I say only for the brave front I put up, and what is real. Isn't it?

If a person listenes to me speak of my best friend for a few months, how can he still remain convinced that I'm in love with him, when I haven't been for well over a year?!

If a person listenes to me spill my heart out about a good friend for several hours, how can they not understand I'm having a friendship-crisis with that person?

If a person LISTENES to me, truly listenes, and truly tries to understand, and truly tries to help, and truly calls himself my friend, how is it that as of late every time I spill my heart out to those very people, all I get is more pain, because they only enforce their prejudices about me and not truly listen or truly try and understand?

How is it that I have a dozen good friends, but only 2 people to whom I can speak freely, with no fear or preparation, and that I know will understand me, and try to help me, and truly listen, and one of those two is my mother?

I feel I might be asking for too much from my friends. after all, a friend is not a psychic. A friend cannot KNOW everything without it being explained first.

But still...

After explaining a subject for well over an hour, and recieveing an answer that seems to have never heard a word I was saying... after being repeatedly told by people who is it that I love and what is it that I like and where is it that I am in my life...I cannot sincerely say that's what I expect of my friends.

I love them all in all my heart and would do quite a lot for them, but this needed to be said, even if not aloud, even if not to their faces.

To my friends that may read this- don't you DARE answer or apologize. This was not written as an accusation, this was not even written to be read, this was written for ME, not for you. If you wish, think about this. If you don't, forget about it. But don't you dare apologize, or respond, because that apology or response will not be out of thought but out of guilt or sympathy, and I truly don't need neither.

For any innocent bystanders who read this- think about your own friends, the way you treat them, and the way they treat you. In his book Xenocide, Orson Scott Card had written that a person cannot truly express oneself with merely words. He was right. We can't explain to eachother our true thoughts and feelings, only show one another vague similarities of them, using our limited vocabulary. And since telepathy is not yet marketable, true understanding is still far from us.

May we all be blessed with true friends and true understanding.

Maital ^_^