The same thing everybody dreams about, I tell her. I dream about where I'm going.
She always laughs at that. But you're not going anywhere, you're just wandering about!
That's not true. Not anymore. I have a new destination. My journey is the same as yours; the same as anyone's. It's taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at last, I know where I'm going. Where I've always been going.
Home.
The long way around.
-The Day of the Doctor
I suppose one of the things I learned today is that sometimes you gotta do something you don't like - step out of you comfort zone and look at the past squarly in the eye. Nobody likes stepping out of their comfort zone, but I suppose if we never did that, we would never have been who we are.
So you see, sometimes you have to face things you didn't want to face. It doesn't have to be the murder of 2.47 billion innocent children; it only needs to be something you're terrified of, something that haunts you and never lets go. And then after you face it, after you manage to make it through, you suddenly feel lighter, as if you've been carrying such a terrible burden up until now.
And this is home.
It feels very natural to me to play this tune over and over again after major things happen. It begins very slowly, very quietly, with a hint of longing and a desire to go back to the way everything was, a hint of sadness, almost, but then it becomes so powerful and filled with hope, so very different and ready to face everything that comes up, no matter what it might be. (Would probably be fair to mention it's a part of the theme known as I Am The Doctor, so it probably makes sense.)
Because, you know, today was big. Like, really big. And I was terrified. Not because of the Major General we've had at the office (who does he think he is, bothering me in the middle of important work?), and not because of my new entrance card, and now because of settling in, but because of this tiny little phone call, this tiny little text. The closer the hour was, the more nervous I became. I was literally on the verge of either throwing up or shooting myself. I probably would have done the first if it wasn't for the cute guy at the office, who offered me to go get food and made me laugh nonstop (and has a girlfriend, unfortunately).
But you know, it wasn't that horrible. I was really nervous. And at some point, after staring at actionscript for half a day and everything, we sort of just gave up and started joking around, but I really could still feel my heartbeat, going mad like that. And it was funny, because I was free the whole day, but just when the class started, he called. And it was okay. We talked completely normally. And then... then I thanked him for calling, because the only reason I made contact was my sister, and he was surprised, as if he didn't even think about the possibility I'd (naturally to me) think he wants to erase me altogether. And we talked for a bit, and agreed on some things and disagreed on others, and... it was just what I needed.
And you see, that's home. Because yes, it was a terrifying day and a terrifying thing to do, but eventually, I did it. And I'm feeling a hell of a lot better, even though that was a huge step outta my comfort zone. And even though I like to think it's not that big a deal to me, I suppose I'm so used to changing things where nobody wants that changem that it's actually become a part of my comfort zone. Crazy, isn't it?
And I'm proud of that. Very much. I'm proud of the changes I'm leaving behind me. I'm proud of the fact I've changed things in a way people just can't forget me. I'm proud of how I do things to make myself feel better but they actually effect everybody - in an amazing new way. And I wouldn't have been here, doing those things, if I stayed in my comfort zone all the time.
And it certainly wouldn't have happened without them.
Very much to think about tonight, isn't there? But I'm happy. I really and truly am, and screw the universe. :-)
When you're a kid they tell you it's all, grow up, get a job, get married, get a house, have a kid, and that's it.
But the truth is the world is so much stranger than that.
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The Oncoming Storm