Fire and Blood

Again he has mentioned him.

Again he made me weep infront of him.

Again he began to talk of how I hurt them, the family, how they love me and that's why they won't give up on me, how you can't get everything that you want in life, how he would never burn his family like I did, doesn't matter what...

He said that their wound will never heal, that there is nothing time can do to help, he said it's constantly bleeding, that something's stuck inside them, always making them bleed. And I'm the only one capable of healing them. There's this one thing I have to do... For them it looks all so simple. The y don't know that in order to give them what they want I have to kill my spirit, slaughter everything I ever truly wanted.

He said that they may seem calm, but they always talk about it and think of it, and when I'm at his place, they always worry of me, all the time, and I ask myself- what the fuck?! Why should they worry of me when I'm with him?! What have they turned him into?! A fucking monster?! A killer?! A rapist?! What reason in the world do they have to be worried about me when I'm with him, supposing it was an option that he is lying to me, he wouldn't show it, he'd do anything to protect me to show them wrong. But I know he'd do this out of different reasons... LOVE. He fucking loves me, like they never will, yes, because he love who I am, truly, they will never accept me so it seems, he trusts me, like they never have, or never will. He hates to see me sad, never like them, trying to make me feel bad.

They don't know, that I hurt them because I had to, because I'd be almost as good as dead without it, but they don't seem to be happy about it. I made them sacrifice for me something which they were unwilling to give. So they won't stop calling me to heal their wound, the wound that only I have the cure for.

The cure is my life.

But it won't please them to know it.

I can't even show them, the emptiness, the nothingness I'd become by saving them out of their self created misery. 

I refuse to take the blame for their pain (but it hurts me that they believe it's my fault), they choose to get hurt by what has nothing to do with them at all, they choose to blame me for hurting the family, but there is one individual who has the right to get hurt, and some-why I believe she's careless, only enjoying the drama, the familial frontage against me, she love it, she thinks I deserve it, but do I really? I deserve her hate, but maybe she knows I don't care about her more than she cares about me, so she enjoys knowing they all support this folly, and I have to deal with this mass hatred...

If they somehow make me lose my love, I will never be me, never be, never really.

I'll be nothing but a ghost, a silhouette, my mind should be filled with emptiness and pain, and thoughts of loss, and what could have been if they didn't take him away.

I'd get sicker than I ever have, just to get back at them, to let them realize what small a sacrifice they had to give, in comparison to this, to my life, they'd be sorry only if they see that they killed me. The me that only he, ever let me be, the me that they never truly accepted, have never truly known, and perhaps could never truly love, not if they insist they cannot love him. They can only love me, if they love him. I believe they can, but they would never give it a chance, never open their eyes or hear my words for real.

If they only knew that they actually encourage me to kill myself, to heal them from a non-existing wound, form the imaginary pain that lies in their head, where the true cure is in their very own hands, but their eyes blinded, and their ears deaf, accepting nothing but what their own poison talk tells them. They don't really see me, they don't really hear me.

They preach me for writing. For writing!!! How can I come to them with my emotions, I've been writing ever since I could, that's what I do, that's how I manage, that's what keeping the bit of sanity in me. Am I sane, am I for real??? What is sane? If they are then I ain't, for I am the exact opposite.

A Stormborn to fucking Tullys.

They're killing me without knowing it.

They don't realize he is like me in all ways, love him, or hate me. They play along. Not giving him a chance, but keep telling me how they love me. It doesn't make sense. They don't understand how senseless they are. I can't let them know me, without noticing, they have grown me against myself, they taught me that I shouldn't be what I am, that's why I love my dear one, he always loved me for who I am, with him, I can really be me.

“King Jaehaerys once told me that madness and greatness are two sides of the same coin. Every time a new Targaryen is born, he said, the gods toss the coin in the air and the world holds its breath to see how it will land.” – Barristan the Bold

The line between greatness and madness, truly is a thin line. Sometimes it's hard to tell whether my deeds are more great or more mad.

At any rate, I will never take their deal, taking their deal is like turning everything I worked so hard for, all those years- to nothing at all. I didn't go through all this drama and pain for nothing, didn't jump into the fire to get nothing but scars.

I chose to do what I did, and for a reason, I chose to do what's best, what's meant to be, and I ain't sorry.

Their deal is trading my life for their good feeling, which anyways is not to stay so for long, as my spirit dies away.

They don't understand it would be much worse otherwise.

I've made my choice. If I look back I'm doomed.

They can't offer me anything at all, definitely not I've already traded.

Sorry.

I want my freedom.

Daenerys.