And frankly, I don't mind.
I even asked God today to be with G again. My god... 
I'm bad. I'm mean. I'm definitely NOT O.K. I just decide that I broke up with ע. I didn't even shared this decision with him. As if it doesn't involve him.
And the saddest part is, that I'm already looking ahead, I'm already on to the next. I'm awful.
I'm constantly avoiding him in the last couple days. A pretty simple mission with him, I have to say in his favor. I find it difficult to tell him directly that I'm breaking up with him.
And explaining why...
I hope he doesn't want the whole truth.
But the truth is, we're just not transmitting on the same wave. Though saying we're familiar, we want very different things from this relationship, and quite frankly, I don't really know what he is expecting from this relationship. And that makes everything really boring.
There are people in this world that carry this light with them. You can't really explain what is it, but it's a sort oflove and compassion that you barely find in people nowadays. I feel I'm carrying such light.
People feel it in me. Some people, if they're sensitive enough, or if they look deep enough, can see or feel it. That's why I believe that even though I'm not gorgeous, people find me very beautiful and are attracted to me, not just sexually.
I know Eli, for example and even though he's virtually feelingless, did feel it. He knows I have it. He loved me sincerely. But he's emotional handicapped to that prevented him from giving his all self to our relationship. But he acknowledge this light. This love within me and he's attracted to it like a bug to a fire. Like someone that's really cold and he runs to a warm place. I saw it in him when he would get inside me. Even in our last sessions, after we broke up.
He knew to appreciate me. It's funny, what I'm going to say, but the guy respected my vagina. Don't laugh.
The dude loved me so much, he enjoyed a great deal going down on me. He kissed me there and loved me there and every moment he was there filled him with comfort.
And he's not the only one.
However, some guys don't see it that way. They see me not for who I really am. They see a young woman/girl who's good looking, smart. She's also smart and fun and has great personality. It's worth to go out with her! Let's start a relationship! They can even fall in love with me without seeing who I really am. And I'm always showing my everything. I'm not faking anything.
But only a few know to look deeper.
ע doesn't know. He, for example, doesn't respect my "whispering eye"
It could be because he's young, but I think it's simply because he doesn't know how to look.
He looks straight ahead all the time. I have to intentionally point his attention to stuff he's just too blind to notice himself! I figured it out pretty much on our first date when he took a fucking GPS to get to me (a turn off by itself),and got lost for an hour till he found where I live! Awful! Yes, it happened to me too, but I'm a woman. He's supposed to be not only a man, but a חובל also. Like, wtf?
And it went on that evening when he incoherently kissed me at the pub, regardless of all my non-verbal signs for him to stop. And he kisses awfully. WAY too much saliva. And it's not getting any better. Like, at that evening it was a disaster, and very embarrassing. But as we kissed in the next few dates, it became discusting. Like, dude! How much saliva do you produce? Have you ever thought of spitting into lake Kinneret?
He's not for me.
You know, a few days ago I laid in my bed and thought. About everything. About who I am and what I do with my life. Thought a little bit about my history and my demands from life.
I concluded that in the whole world, there's really no one like me. I'm like no other. I'm unique. I know every person is unique, and everyone's special, but I am, really, different.
Don't think I'm narcissist or something, 'cause quite frankly I usually underrate myself. I just feeldifferent sometimes, and it's not an easy thing. But that's also what makes me special.
I just want to find that guy that could appreciate and see that. And accept that and love that about me. And I want him to worth me too. If God is listenning... I'm sure it knows what I want.
Love you all. Good night.
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