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O2R7L5Y :34
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: אופטימי.
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O2R7L5Y
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11/5/201107:16
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 Confused, in a good way
Yup. I'm smiling. But I'm really not sure in my way.
You see, right until yesterday, I was pretty sure I'm into someone. Into someone.. I had a fucking crush on him.
However, yesterday eve came, and brought along some men with it. Here I am, sitting in a pub, in front of me there's Ofir, beside him sitting Gal, and by me sits Mr. Adam. Yeah, this name is a first. Ofir is super cute and reminds me of Roei, Gal is sooo sexy and I'm really attracted to him and to his interests, and Adam... Adam looks really good. And he's quite of a . And very cute. And a good friend of Amit. Yeah. How 'bout that?
The evening went along, I was caught several times sitting alone among these three men, talking and flirting with all of them... Gal was impressed, Ofir likes me, and I get to talk allot with Adam.
At some point people started to fold home, and we girls thought it would be a shame to just close the evening so early, and came up with suggestions for places we can go. Adam came with us.
We danced and laughed and had a really good time. As we went back to the car, in the end of the night, he grabbed my hand and asked for my phone number. Cute!
so.... We're going out in about an hour. Ahhh.
I really don't know what to think. On the one hand- I think I'm a little inlove with Amit. On the other hand, he's not that into me, and Adam seems like a real good guy. Even Luba said he's good. So. I'll give it a chance. I really had this good warm feeling with him yesterday. I hope after tonight I'll know better what to do. What if Amit suddenly change on me? What if he falls inlove with me all occasionally? What would I do? I see him every day, we work together. Some inconvenience, huh?
I'll be smarter tomorrow. Have a good week everyone!
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O2R7L5Y
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5/2/201118:57
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It wasn't ment to be.
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O2R7L5Y
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30/1/201117:20
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O2R7L5Y
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23/1/201118:03
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It happens every time he walks into the room
My heart is like, jumping in its place. I'm suddenly excited and jumpy. I sing, I smile. Even if a second before I was tired or down. It's crazy. He's not even my type. I'm not even sure that we fit, if we were to try anything romantic. I wish.
I'v waited so long for this feeling. In my heart. I'v waited for so long to FEEL, something. Meanwhile I would let myself get disappointed from bastards that could not appreciate me. I would make myself a complete pathetic girl, to make the rejection a sure thing. Sadness was the closest feeling to what I tried to feel.
I REALLY REALLY want to make this come true. This would complete my happiness puzzle. I really want him. But not just HIM. It's not only sexual. I really want to get to know him. To be friends with him. To get to know him, to talk to him. I'm already inlove with him  . I WISHHH he feels the same about me.
And also, I want a real relationship. Something for real. Serious one. I think I deserve this after all this time, all the disappointments. I believe I deserve it. Just to make me happy. It's like I'm praying. It's something that I want soooo bad.
I just can't believe I met a person who makes my heart go crazy like this. It doesn't usually happen.
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98WtmW-lfeE&ob=av3el
wow.
Hold your fingers for me, will ya?
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O2R7L5Y
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19/1/201119:38
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O2R7L5Y
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13/1/201122:43
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O2R7L5Y
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1/1/201101:55
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O2R7L5Y
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28/12/201009:38
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O2R7L5Y
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25/12/201020:58
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O2R7L5Y
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24/12/201023:24
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The thing is, I had sex last night in the back of a car. Un-fucking-believable.
It's not like I care too much, nor I feel cheap, or contaminated. Just wasted, a little bit.
I really do believe I worth more than a bang on the back-seat.
Even Eli gave me more respect. I'm not sure I'm built for this kind of things. And I do try to look at everything as experiences.
I FUCKING DID HANDSOME VADIM YESTERDAY NIGHT!!!
lol
I have wanted this for a long time, but I'v always imagined it in a more serious way. More respectful. The guy didn't touch me the whole evening, and I really gave him a nice evening yesterday with a visit to the center, we drank beer in a cute pub, then I gave him a tour to or however you say .
It was very nice. But during the whole night he never gave me the slightest sign of something beyond. Fuck him.
He also hasn't called, the bustard. Not until just a few minutes ago, making me fell bad. Like, this sort of emptiness I felt after that horrific night with Gal. Damn. Lucky I didn't called V. That would totally be pathetic.
I had this weird dream (as usual) this night.
I dreamt I was driving in the streets of Haifa, in Horev center, the Carmel center and all, and I did this all with my korkinet (???). I'v decided I would drive home on that stupid thing. And as I'm driving, I bump into unpleasant people and situations, but I keep going. At some point I realised I was doing it because my Astra got stuck in the side of the way and so I decided to pull the korkinet out of the back of the car and use it to drive home (wtf?!). However the car broke down near Bat-Galim, and I climbed up to the carmel with the fucking korkinet, instead of turning and returning home.
Anyway, at some point I got to the beach, and I notice I was up a staircase. Up the was kind of a roof, on which were the dorms of some Israeli missile ships. Some of which I knew, and surprisingly enough, some of them were girls! Like it was something new to combine girls as regular missile-ships-fighters.
Anyway, when I neared the edge of the staircase in order to come down it, I decided to leave my korkinet on the side of the staircase. BTW this part of the dream was in day-light. Then I saw Yura (gym). My korkinet then broke down also, it simply fell down the staircase. So Yura suggested to take me home in his car, and I refused in the beginning because I wanted to do the way on my own (probably to burn calories or somoething), but eventually I agreed.
That said, I never in the dream saw myself climbing down the stairs. That's impoortant.
I know how to interpretate this dream. It's a bit of a dig, because I have to explain first WHO is Yura and what does he have to do with taking me in his car, and what a drive in a car symbolizes in a dream, and there's Family Guy on YesComedy now, besides the fact I'm just tired.
To be continued.
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O2R7L5Y
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15/12/201022:30
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O2R7L5Y
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13/12/201011:14
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O2R7L5Y
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11/12/201013:25
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O2R7L5Y
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7/12/201017:27
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It's starting to repeat itself...
And frankly, I don't mind.
I even asked God today to be with G again. My god...
I'm bad. I'm mean. I'm definitely NOT O.K. I just decide that I broke up with . I didn't even shared this decision with him. As if it doesn't involve him.
And the saddest part is, that I'm already looking ahead, I'm already on to the next. I'm awful.
I'm constantly avoiding him in the last couple days. A pretty simple mission with him, I have to say in his favor. I find it difficult to tell him directly that I'm breaking up with him.
And explaining why...
I hope he doesn't want the whole truth.
But the truth is, we're just not transmitting on the same wave. Though saying we're familiar, we want very different things from this relationship, and quite frankly, I don't really know what he is expecting from this relationship. And that makes everything really boring.
There are people in this world that carry this light with them. You can't really explain what is it, but it's a sort oflove and compassion that you barely find in people nowadays. I feel I'm carrying such light.
People feel it in me. Some people, if they're sensitive enough, or if they look deep enough, can see or feel it. That's why I believe that even though I'm not gorgeous, people find me very beautiful and are attracted to me, not just sexually.
I know Eli, for example and even though he's virtually feelingless, did feel it. He knows I have it. He loved me sincerely. But he's emotional handicapped to that prevented him from giving his all self to our relationship. But he acknowledge this light. This love within me and he's attracted to it like a bug to a fire. Like someone that's really cold and he runs to a warm place. I saw it in him when he would get inside me. Even in our last sessions, after we broke up.
He knew to appreciate me. It's funny, what I'm going to say, but the guy respected my vagina. Don't laugh.
The dude loved me so much, he enjoyed a great deal going down on me. He kissed me there and loved me there and every moment he was there filled him with comfort.
And he's not the only one.
However, some guys don't see it that way. They see me not for who I really am. They see a young woman/girl who's good looking, smart. She's also smart and fun and has great personality. It's worth to go out with her! Let's start a relationship! They can even fall in love with me without seeing who I really am. And I'm always showing my everything. I'm not faking anything.
But only a few know to look deeper.
doesn't know. He, for example, doesn't respect my "whispering eye" It could be because he's young, but I think it's simply because he doesn't know how to look.
He looks straight ahead all the time. I have to intentionally point his attention to stuff he's just too blind to notice himself! I figured it out pretty much on our first date when he took a fucking GPS to get to me (a turn off by itself),and got lost for an hour till he found where I live! Awful! Yes, it happened to me too, but I'm a woman. He's supposed to be not only a man, but a also. Like, wtf?
And it went on that evening when he incoherently kissed me at the pub, regardless of all my non-verbal signs for him to stop. And he kisses awfully. WAY too much saliva. And it's not getting any better. Like, at that evening it was a disaster, and very embarrassing. But as we kissed in the next few dates, it became discusting. Like, dude! How much saliva do you produce? Have you ever thought of spitting into lake Kinneret?
He's not for me.
You know, a few days ago I laid in my bed and thought. About everything. About who I am and what I do with my life. Thought a little bit about my history and my demands from life.
I concluded that in the whole world, there's really no one like me. I'm like no other. I'm unique. I know every person is unique, and everyone's special, but I am, really, different.
Don't think I'm narcissist or something, 'cause quite frankly I usually underrate myself. I just feeldifferent sometimes, and it's not an easy thing. But that's also what makes me special.
I just want to find that guy that could appreciate and see that. And accept that and love that about me. And I want him to worth me too. If God is listenning... I'm sure it knows what I want.
Love you all. Good night.
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O2R7L5Y
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4/12/201022:43
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O2R7L5Y
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29/11/201014:19
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all the way, though
We tried, but I was too scared (pregnancy not first-time enxiety lol) so we stopped. However even the smallest step brought us intimacy and that was a bless. The whole evening and morning afterwards was amazing, flowing easily, fun. I can't wait to have full sex with him. It would probably be great. I might actually fall inlove with him, can you believe??
The whole experience felt so familiar, not in the meaning of 'already known', but in the meaning it felt natural and known like it was my own house, my own place. Even hugging felt a bit like hugging my brother, in a good way, not deviantly.
I came home on Saturday morning, glowing with some sort of halo preserved only for experiences that go as a want them to. When it feels like success.
Lucky me, lucky me he barely goes out. Lucky me I don't have to fake anything. Honestly, if I could meet him every day I would cut out. I wouldn't be able to cope with that.
That said, I can't wait to see him again. I have this little hope in my heart that he stays the next weekend, and maybe come to my house the weekend after, or two weeks after, since I want him to meet my brother, and if possible- his girlfriend.
I'm kinda anxious about him meeting my friends. I'm a little ashamed of them, and I know he wouldn't get along with them. They are so much older than him, like.
So I don't know... I might arrange a date with Shmulik, if he's available. I could reach him lately, and I really don't know what's going on with him, and frankly, I think he might me hurt by me. Like, I'm changing my Facebook status, and my BFF doesn't even know I met anyone?!?!
But seriously, I couldn't reach him.
That said, there's another issue I'm not sure about. How do I tell about my eating disorder? Do I tell him? Do I leave it? I'm clueless.
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O2R7L5Y
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28/11/201010:50
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I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece
I'm complete!
Let's go all the way tonight, no regrets, just love. We can dance until we die, you & I - we'll be young forever!
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O2R7L5Y
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23/11/201018:50
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O2R7L5Y
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21/11/201013:29
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I should be so lucky
Like, seriously, if I hadn't met O, I would totally be excited about that call from Vadim. But I'm not. I got think about it today. I really had a little crash on him back at the time. And besides, calling me and asking me out for a beer and "catching up" does sound a little bit like a booty-call. And since when do I turned down to sex? And this one is a quality booty-call.
However I don't care, it doesn't interest me, I seem to be quite indifferent. And I am horny, as usual.
Weird.
I wish Shmulik came home this weekend. I miss him, and could use a good talk. I wanna tell him about O. I want to have that sex conversation with me, like always. Instead I tried to do that with Vadim (from the office), but it's not even close! He's so shy! Bummer.
I love talking with Shmuel, I love this person. And I'm sure he'd be happy for me.
I had a dream. I should convert to Hebrew for this one.
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O2R7L5Y
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18/11/201013:18
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