I don’t know why I bother keep on writing here.
I mean, it’s not like someone actually care about an old crow like me, about his nightmares; for most people who actually read this diary, I’m just another lunatic, probably on mental medications, whose life is so good and shiny and the only one who fails to see that is himself. Yes, I am on mental medication, I am insane in a way, but let me ask you one question – am I weak?
I mean, I’ve been through the usual route of an Israeli teenage kid with only a few little additions: school physical abuse, mental abuse, low self esteem and general loneliness – shouldn’t have been such a big issue. I’m a big boy. But the thing is, I keep thinking that I deserve more than what I currently have; I deserve being pill-free happy, I deserve a normal social life – and I can achieve those things. So why don’t I? The answer is simple – yes. I am weak.
It is only me that prevents me from de-cloaking my coat of black feathers. Only my fear, that is. I’m afraid of you – all the mighty and powerful people of the world – you’re big and scary. You can stomp on me like I’m just a little rock. You can, and you have. And to my even bigger fear – I thing you even enjoyed it. That’s why shows like “survivor” or “The amazing race” made so much money – people enjoy seeing other people suffer – but only few can deliberately hurt another human being. But the big problem is that all of you can – and always do – hurt other people without noticing. You see it happen every day, and yet it has become such a big part of our life so it is considered a norm.
People who have the power to step over other people triumph – that’s why most of the world’s money is in the possession of only a few people.
And what does all that have to do with me?
Well… I think people expect me to be like that. I come from a family of “high class” people. My uncle sold his previous start up and made millions, now working on the next one. My father is a self-made millionaire - owns a company and able to have a normal – if not better – life.
The problem is that they step on other people to achieve what they achieved. And I don’t want to become like them. I don’t want filthy money.
I want Silence.
I want Death.
I want the world to leave me alone.
DrM
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DrM
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